Him
by Mara Sevvie
Summary: And she could love him. But she would have to make herself. Her love would be something she had to work at. She would have to convince herself it was what she had always wanted. And all the while her heart would be screaming that it was all just a lie.


Disclaimer: I do not own _Harry Potter_ nor the song _Him _by Taylor Swift.

A/N: Another of my rare angst moments. I honestly was a little teary-eyed while writing some of this.

_(Italics = s_ong lyrics)

**Him**

* * *

_He is sensible and so incredible  
and all my single friends are jealous._

Everything was perfectly wonderful. James doted on her, gave her little gifts, knew just what to say to make her feel better, spent moments just holding her, made her feel comfortable. He was a dream come true and she was the envy of all the single girls (and some who weren't).

_He says everything I need to hear  
and it's like I couldn't ask for anything better._

She knew James would eventually make a great boyfriend for someone, if he could just grow up a bit. He was a boy steadily becoming a man, realizing he needed more than a playmate in his life. When they first started dating seriously, he began to act like a devoted boyfriend on a regular basis. Her friends said he was as good as it could get.

_He opens up my door and I get into his car  
and he says 'You look beautiful tonight.'  
And I feel perfectly fine._

No matter how many dates they went on together, James always opened doors for her and proceeded to escort her in a very gentlemanly fashion to wherever they were going. His face told her that he was humbled and honored to be going anywhere at all with her.

There was never a time that he didn't compliment something about her. Her eyes, her hair, her clothes, her laugh, her smile, and a million other things. She always knew she was appreciated and welcomed in his life.

He was sturdy and secure. Even if they argued, he worked so hard to clear it up again. She was confident that he would pull them through anything they faced and still come out smiling. He was the perfect example of what a boyfriend should be.

_But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain.  
And its two a.m. and I'm cursing your name._

But sometimes she imagined that she would miss discussing the finer points of magical theory with **him**. She would miss getting into a heated argument over which ingredients would make a more effective pepper-up potion or fighting over which Quidditch team had the more successful chasers.

She would probably miss sitting over a book in the library and feeling a possessive arm draw her closer as someone walked by with so much as a second glance at her.

And she would miss those secret nights spent out by the lake, kissing under the heavens as they opened up to loose an unexpected downpour.

She would probably even miss those days when she would sit in her bed at two in the morning, curtains drawn and a silencing charm put in place, just so she could curse **his** name aloud for besting her in charms.

_You're so in love that you act insane and that's the way I loved you.  
Breaking down and coming undone; it's rollercoaster kind of rush.  
And I never knew I could feel that much.  
And that's the way I loved you._

She would miss the fact that everytime they came together, he challenged her. He put her to the test; mind, body, and spirit. Nothing was ever settled with **him**. It could never be said and done just once. They should explore, he always told her. They should test the waters and see how far they could go without drowning. He encouraged her rebellious side, made her think. She felt as though he would drive her our of her mind, at times.

But that's what made her love him. He made her realize that she could feel more and do more in life than just make the grade. She came to see just how much she could do with the things she knew and experienced. He kept her mind in overdrive, always working, and that was why she came to love him.

_He respects my space and never makes me wait  
and he calls exactly when he says he will._

Her thoughts returned to the relationship she had now, a guilty little feeling creeping into her mind. James was incredibly trusting of her. He never believed anything less than wonderful about her.

People might laugh at how adoring he was. They might say she wasn't good enough. The might sneer at how happy he felt with her, but no matter what they said or thought, he was faithful and happy to be with her.

He respected her needs and stepped away when she asked him to, but he was never late when she needed him to step back.

_He's close to my mother.  
Talks business with my father.  
He's charming and endearing and I'm comfortable._

James knew next to nothing about the muggle world, but he immediately settled into her parents' lives like he had always belonged there. Her mother depended on him like he was her own son. Her father loved to discuss business and finance with him.

He was such a charming, amiable type of guy and willingly molded into whatever was asked of him because he didn't mind doing what he could.

_But I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain.  
And it's two a.m. and I'm cursing your name.  
You're so in love that you act insane and that's the way I loved you._

But she hated giving up honest responses to her complaints; hated losing those moments when she could count on a blunt answer to set her straight.

She wasn't always right. Everyone had moments when they were completely wrong. There were times that she needed a firm hand to guide her onto the right path. Sometimes she needed someone to tell her if she was wrong. She missed **his** abrupt truthfulness.

He kept her honest. At times, she hated his way of keeping her firmly grounded in reality. She missed those arguments, too; the way they flung fiery retorts back and forth about deams and reality and which was more important of the two.

And yet, she still loved him for that. For the knowledge that he would never back down unless he knew for certain he was wrong. For the fact that he never lied to her, even if it would make her feel better in the short-term.

_Breaking down and coming undone; it's a rollercoaster kind of rush.  
And I never knew I could feel that much.  
And that's the way I loved you._

They were both so stubborn that they pushed each other too far at times.

But she missed the exhilaration and the kind of rush she felt when **he** became excited about something. He so rarely had a chance to feel enthusiasm so keenly and she was always enraptured to see him have that kind of freedom.

She loved when he showed so much energy and she loved when he was quiet and concentrated. She loved when he was himself. She just loved **him**. All of him.

_He can't see the smile I'm faking.  
And my heart's not breaking  
'Cause I'm not feeling anything at all._

James was a wonderful boyfriend. He kissed her and held her like she was a precious gift. He put her on a pedestal and treated her like a queen. There was nothing he wouldn't do for her.

And she could love him like he loved her.

She could love his gentle embraces, his twinkling brown eyes, and his messy hair. She could love his old jokes, his light-hearted antics, and his wish to always make her happy.

But she would have to make herself do it. Her love would be something she had to work at. She would have to convince herself it was what she had always wanted. She would have to tell her heart that she had always dreamed of a white knight to come and sweep her off her feet with sweet kisses and beautiful promises.

Her mind told her everything that was wonderful about her white knight and his sunny dreams of the future.

He's handsome, sweet, thoughtful, loving, and every girl's dream.

_And you were wild and crazy.  
Just so frustrating, intoxicating, complicated.  
Got away by some mistake and now..._

But she wasn't every girl. And her dreams were not typical.

She dreamed of eyes that smoldered with righteous fire when challenged and gleamed with anticipation when focused on a puzzle. Her dreams were littered with rainy evenings and midnight experiments and philosophical discussions.

Dreams unbalanced her emotions and added more complexities to her life. They led her back to **him**, even when she was already going crazy trying not to think about him. It would always come back to him.

Even now she could picture his self-assured features when he proved her wrong; so frustrating yet so utterly and complicatedly fascinating. He would look at her with that celebratory smirk and lean towards her with a feral spark in his eyes, daring her to refute his knowledge. Then she would be lost completely in his rare, blazing confidence, leaning forward to somehow connect hereself to the dazzling, intoxicating enigma that was him.

And now he was gone.

_I miss screaming and fighting and kissing in the rain.  
It's two a.m. and I'm cursing your name.  
I'm so in love that I acted insane and that's the way I loved you._

She missed **him**. He wouldn't let her become cheap and common. He would shove her in to a place of difficulty, to allow her to be as extraordinary as she could be.

He didn't praise her every little move just to make her smile. Nothing so simple would please him. No, he would help her get the pinnacle of success and let her shine so that she could feel joy deep down in the furthest parts of her soul.

He would drive her insane before he would let her just coast through life without feeling every up and down of the road, every victory and defeat. Each and every time he kept her moving, she fell faster for him, cursing him all the while for never letting her sit in anonymity for one single moment.

_Breaking down and coming undone; it's a rollercoaster kind of rush.  
And I never knew I could feel like that.  
And that's the way I loved you._

Every moment was new and important. Life was short and it could be the last minute they spent doing anything at all, so they had to live it vivaciously. Together, they were vivid and alive. Together they felt the smallest of emotions as if they were an earthquake. Life was bigger and brighter and more mysterious all at once.

_And that's the way I loved you._

Her mind could tell her all the wonderful things James was; all the good things he could bring to her life. She would listen. She would accept his ring. She would constantly work to give back all the love that James showered on her.

_Never knew I could feel that much._

And all the while her heart would be screaming at her, telling her it was all just a lie.

But she couldn't ask more of **him**. He had always given everything he had to her.

She had thrown it all back in his face in one moment of anger.

It was the last time he ever tried to put her back into focus. The last time he ever tried to make her see reason. The last time he ever tried to make her see that she was wrong.

For one second, she had almost listened to him. She had almost leaned forward to meet those eyes.

Those eyes that, in that moment, held no feral spark or anticipatory gleam or righteous fire. He had not seen her heart as a puzzle to solve or a challenge to be overcome. He had not seen her love as a fact to be disputed.

He had seen her heart as another pinnacle of sucess that could have shone like a beacon and made her soul tremble with utmost joy.

If only she had let him lead her one last time.

_And that's the way I loved you._

She missed **him**. And she would always love him.

* * *

A/N: Please Review!


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